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I still cannot say it even though my oncologist says I am. “Cancer free.” I just can’t do it…maybe sometime, 2 years from now. I feel cancer free and I look cancer free. I am just not willing to deal with disappointment again because I already have…albeit, not a huge disappointment. Just for once, I would love to have a pap come back with “normal” attached to it.

I had my first pap since all this went down and it came back with “atypical squamous cells”. I guess what that means is that the radiation has zapped the area of concern so much that there was probably little chance of a “normal” test result. I also have a CT scan (with contrast) in 2 weeks to give us a closer look and a baseline, post-cancer treatment picture of what’s going on. My doctor has reassured us that since the pap was done only weeks after radiation, that some 60-70% of test results come back showing this atypical phenomena. I can understand that since I am having more side effects of radiation (hot flashes, no hair growth, muscle tightness, stenosis) now that it’s over than when it was going on.

It’s wild…I am a Spanish teacher; I teach kids how to conjugate X verb into Y tense, etc. But now, I have become a minor expert on my kind of cancer (and others from reading blogs and endless hours freaking myself out on the internet). I hope the next big change in our lives is much less medical in nature and much more fun!

Well, it’s happened. At the ripe old age of 36, I have hit menopause. Will my ovaries bounce back and provide me with normal/natural hormones until I’m 52 (average age of menopausal women)? Dunno. For right now, all that matters is that I cannot get a full night sleep, I have gained weight faster than Kobayashi can down 63 Nathan’s Famous hot dogs, and my skin feel like molten lava at times. Dr. Everett has prescribed Premarin for me, but I am conflicted now after doing a wee bit of googling. The drug is manufactured in a way that I am not down with. The name is derived from PREgnant MARes’ urINe. I wouldn’t be so concerned about the actual source if it wasn’t for the process, but having grown up around horses I am not sure it’s worth it. I might see what Dr. E. thinks about some of the other ones out there that are synthetic. What is your opinion?

Well, I don’t know about you, but having a holiday in the middle of the week is VERY unsatisfying. You can’t “tie one on” for fear of going back to work feeling like crap. You can’t go on vacation without burning a bunch of vacation time. (Yes, I know I am a teacher and have summers off! Not all of you are teachers though.) But I hope everyone made the best of their situation. Scott and I played a little tennis, bbq-ed some baby back ribs, and just enjoyed the amazing weather.

Today, the 4th, marked 3 weeks post-chemo. I am feeling much better now that I don’t have a steady stream of poison coming my way once a week. I have no reason not to believe that I am rebounding well. I am frustrated with certain fitness issues (“Does this dress make me look fat?”"No honey, it’s just the fat.”) and I do not do patience well. I guess I should give myself a break, or so others say, but life is weird and I don’t feel like I deserve a break. I have been dealing with life with cancer for a steady 6 months and Monday marks a new chapter of surveillance. My next goal is to make the 2-year mark free and clear.