Chemotherapy-The treatment of cancer using specific chemical agents or drugs that are selectively destructive to malignant cells and tissues.
Lehman’s term: Poisoning of the biological enemy.
Oophoropexy- Surgical fixation or suspension of an ovary.
Lehman’s term: Ooph…thank God they’re hopefully out of the radiation field. Just say no to menopause.
DaVinci Robot-The da Vinci® Surgical System provides surgeons with an alternative to both traditional open surgery and conventional laparoscopy, putting a surgeon’s hands at the controls of a state-of-the-art robotic platform. The da Vinci System enables surgeons to perform even the most complex and delicate procedures through very small incisions with unmatched precision.
Lehman’s term: Ass-kicking surgical tool that thankfully has never watched the Terminator series or has met HAL 9000.
Carbon Dioxide -The gas used during laparoscopy can irritate your diaphragm for a few days. You may have some pain or achiness in your shoulder for several hours after the laparoscopy. Some of the gas in your belly may leak into your skin and cause a crackling sound.
Lehman’s term: Hello…worst part of the recovery. See Amorphous Blob post. Makes scuba diving look easy.
Lymphedema-The most common causes are surgery or radiation treatment for certain types of cancer, such as breast and testicular cancers. Other causes of lymphedema include surgery on the blood vessels in your limbs, surgical procedures like liposuction, and burns.
Lehman’s term: Freaking sucky side-effect from all of this that may or may not occur.
Radical Hysterectomy-Surgery used to treat forms of gynecological cancer. It is also used to treat other conditions, but more commonly used to treat cervical cancer. A radical hysterectomy involves the removal of the uterus, cervix and upper part of the vagina. Tissues that support the uterus and lymph nodes are also removed.
Lehman’s term: Like, totally radical procedure that made me like, completely anatomically dif, but OMG like, sooooooo life saving too.
External Radiotherapy-Normally given as a series of short, daily treatments using equipment similar to a large x-ray machine. Treatments are usually given from Monday to Friday, leaving patients to rest at the weekend. Each treatment is called a fraction. Giving the treatment in fractions ensures that less damage is done to normal cells than to cancer cells. The damage to normal cells is mainly temporary, but is the reason why radiotherapy has some side effects.
Lehman’s term: Don’t worry about bringing a Geiger counter, but stronger than the sun that shines in AZ mid-July while wearing only olive oil.
Foley Catheter-Flexible (usually latex) tube that is passed through the urethra during urinary catheterization and into the bladder to drain urine. It is retained by means of a balloon at the tip which is inflated with sterile water.
Lehman’s term: A device that left me with one less thing to do while recovering, but a bag of one’s urine, even dressed up in another bag for concealment, is not a fashion accessory.
Adjuvant Therapy-Used after primary treatments, such as surgery or radiation, to decrease the chance that your cancer will recur.
Lehman’s term: 6 weeks of more poking and prodding but with a favorable outcome to get cured of this bullshit.
Dilator-A device used to stretch or enlarge an opening.
Lehman’s term: (18 or older please) Fancy medical term for a dildo.
Stenosis-An abnormal narrowing in a blood vessel or other tubular organ or structure.
Lehman’s term: Abnormal narrowing of MY “structure” during radiation that for sure is going to need the “dilator”.
